Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
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Martin Writes..

Proof Positive that East Coast Just Doesn't Get It
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Oven Gloves" Kelner on Mar 26, 2011 - 5:35:48 PM
O.K., we have just about got used to the wacky fare structure on the East Coast main line, meaning the cost of a similar seat might vary from 30 quid to 140-odd depending on how far in advance you book your seat, the colour of your hair, your wheat tolerance and so on, but why is it necessary to have a two-tier system for the very simple concept of Weekend First?

For those of you unfamiliar with Weekend First, it enables those of us peasants unable to afford more than the paltry 88 or hundred-odd quid it costs to travel to London in what is laughingly called standard class to upgrade for a payment to the guard. 

Thus - at the weekend only, of course - we can make our journey in a decent, comfortable seat with a nearly fully functioning toilet in easy reach; you know, the kind of things taken for granted on railways all over Europe, including Poland interestingly... a little treat for us, a chance to sample how the other half lives - for the weekend only...
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The Fifth Beatle....
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "toppermost of the poppermost" Kelner on Sep 20, 2010 - 3:57:16 PM


....is one of the enduring figures of popular mythology. Like the second assassin, Mick Jagger's Mars Bar, and Jim Morrison's cock, the Zelig-like figure bashing a tambourine, arranging a photo call, or procuring a strumpet for Paul, is a figure without whom the landscape of the Sixties would not be complete......


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COMEDY / Holiday on dry ice: Martin Kelner on Billy Connolly
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "The Big Yin" Kelner on Aug 25, 2009 - 8:44:05 PM
Here's a piece I wrote for The Independent more than fifteen years ago. Not sure whether Billy was still drinking then, but he was living in L.A. and came back here to do a bunch of Bobby Davro style venues, bizarrely unsuited to his style. Now read on..... more - >



The late great Humphrey Lyttleton
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Samantha is on my right hand" Kelner on Jun 6, 2009 - 11:55:36 PM
In our ongoing series of articles about dead people, this is a piece I wrote 15 years ago in the glory, glory days of The Independent about Humphrey Lyttleton.....

The secret of Humph: He's the 'comic hero' with the perfect sense of timing. He's the 'chairman's chairman'. He's the 'top trumpet man in Britain'. Martin Kelner on the busy life of Humphrey Lyttelton


Saturday, 21 May 1994..

Now read on....
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"Hell I know how. Question is, when?"
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "brothel creepers" Kelner on Apr 27, 2009 - 12:38:34 PM
LaVern Baker died in 1997, one of the uncrowned and often disregarded Queens of rock 'n' roll. I did one of the last interviews with her when she played Liverpool a few years before she died....She's probably best known for a brilliant Leiber and Stoller gospel spoof "Saved"....

Anyway, I've rescued the piece from the Independent archives and here it is..... more - >



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 Proof Positive that East Coast Just Doesn't Get It
 The Fifth Beatle....