Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
Stats since 28 08 06:

    Search for in  


When Will I Be Famous?

WWIBF unpugged
By Martin Kelner on Feb 27, 2003 - 2:02:00 PM

When Will I Be Famous
Article dated: Thursday 27 February 2003
WWIBF unpugged
"....I took an hour or so off one afternoon for a walk round the nearby small town of Ashby De La Zouch which, if it is ever written of at all, will be in conjunction with the adjective "sleepy."

Having said which, there are one or two pubs on Market Street where I expect you could find a fight on a Saturday night if you were that way inclined. Small market towns like Ashby, where nothing much happens, are no picnic to police these days. Clearly, compared to somewhere like Bradford or Liverpool or Tower Hamlets, it is a peaceful, prosperous community, but there will be pockets of deprivation (there is a garish so-called "pound shop" on the olde worlde main street which is usually a sign).

Also, in common with the rest of Britain there will be young people with an appetite for recreational drugs. As long as those remain illegal, the criminal sub-culture connected with them will flourish, and the people who move into the £400,000 executive-style homes which have gone up because of the town's proximity to the motorway network, will do well to make sure they have the latest security systems in place.

Then there are the freelance punch-ups, if you like, that will start over someone nicking a mobile 'phone, or making an off colour remark about someone else's girlfriend, in which, of course drink will probably play a part.

There are lots of pubs on Ashby's main street - enough for a fairly incapacitating pub crawl - but as a bustling shopping street it has been pretty comprehensively fucked over by the big Tesco. That is where people will buy the necessities of life, abandoning Market Street to a charity shop, a Boots, a Woolworths, one of those cheapo book shops - who buys all the jigsaws? - and the odd butcher and greengrocer.

Somebody loves the town, though. Alongside the ridiculous gardening books and military histories in the cheapo book shop, I find The Book of Ashby-De-La-Zouch by Kenneth Hillier, which begins with the author whinging on about having only 30,000 words to tell the story of this fascinating town. He starts with the Wars of the Roses in 1461 before which, he writes, "Ashby seemed destined to remain a quiet backwater." As opposed, I suppose, to the throbbing metropolis it has since become.

I was however interested to discover that the Meredith and Drew biscuit company was founded in Ashby. I seem to remember eating Meredith and Drew crisps when I was a child, because they were a halfpenny cheaper than Smith's, the more popular brand. In those days, of course, the only flavour you could get was salted. Tell the kids that nowadays and they'll run over you in their sports cars.

I had planned to visit the city of Leicester, the current potato crisp capital of Britain, before leaving the area, but given the town's motto of Semper Eadem, which translates as "always the same" (one of Elizabeth the First's gags, apparently), I thought I could leave that trip to a future occasion secure in the knowledge that nothing important would have changed much."





---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ---------- ----------
Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
 Fine dining for the last time on the PPP!
 Wossy ate my podcast - an explanation
 Screen Break
 The Bus Pass Bodybuilders & Motty's Giant Sentence
 Wordy Rappinghood
 Bits and Pieces
 Jeremy Corbyn's Desert Island Discs
 Just a bit of fun! No really, just a bit of fun!
 Martin Writes..
 A little bit about me & Kingswood, Bristol
 Managers - What Are They Like? Why Antonio Conte is not Ange Postecoglou
 Kelners Blog
 My Celebrity Death Match
 A message to Philip Balmforth
 Travel
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at Amazon.co.uk
 Accidental Heroes
 PG Wodehouse
 Bette Davis
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
 Martin Kelner's website links
Stats since 280806 - Martin Kelner: