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Kelners Blog
Oh joy! Kelner fails to get job!
By Martin "I'm not an expert, honest" Kelner
Jul 31, 2009 - 11:38:42 PM

I tried hard to convince the caller of my lack of expertise, running through my modus operandi in some detail, explaining how I sit on the sofa watching a bit of sport, trying to think up a few half-decent jokes, and then move up to my computer on a Sunday morning and write 900 words - or 825 if there is an ad on the back page.

"Get a joke in the intro, and then run like fuck for the end," was the brief my brother once gave me for some piece I was writing for him, and it is a dictum I have followed since.

"Well, come along and test for it anyway," she said, and I agreed because it was an excuse for a day out in London, and as regular listeners to Fighting Talk will know, I rarely get out of the house.

I was predictably pants in the test, and got a nice email back from the producers a few weeks later thanking me for my attendance, and asking if they could keep my details on file in case they needed to call on me in an emergency - like one where every other sports journalist in the Northern Hemisphere was suddenly afflicted with a terrible illness that struck them dumb.

Anyway, I thought no more of it until by chance I caught some of the programme on BBC2 tonight (Fri July 31), and fell to my knees and thanked God I was not among those present. And I don't even believe in God.

How bad was it? I'll tell you. I switched over to Look North.

For a start, there is nothing in it for the audience at home, no questions to answer. We can't join in. It's just a series of badly dressed nerds hoping to match their knowledge on specific topics with the experts.

It does not look nice, it's full of those quiz show stings that Charlie Brooker has now made redundant by taking the piss out of them on his Channel Four show, and Gyles Brandreth presents. Look up the word "arch" in the dictionary, and you'll find a picture of Brandreth.

Never in my life have I been happier not to get a job. I rang up my friend Will Buckley, who also tested and failed, and we toasted our good fortune across the miles between Wakefield and Norwich.


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