The more observant amongst you will
have noticed I wasn't on Channel Four's Morning Line on Saturday morning.
I waited all week for the call, having
advertised via all electronic means currently available my perspicacity in
backing Bally Legend, 28-1 winner of the Betbright Handicap at Kempton Park.
My lack of any horse racing
background, I felt sure, would be merely a minor impediment for a man in such
blistering form.
Imagine, then, my disappointment on
checking my emails and texts early on Saturday morning - not in any kind of a
desperate way, you understand - to find no last minute booking, this paper
being represented instead by Tom Segal, aka Pricewise.
Admittedly, Tom's suggestions were
likely to be more helpful than mine - he was said in one show to have
"whipped up a punting storm" with one of his tips, something I could
never be accused of - but still, in the same way as Paul the psychic octopus was
recruited to predict the scores in the 2010 World Cup - remember - I could have
had a bash.
In fact, I am sure in the past I
have read a newspaper feature where they gave a chimpanzee a pin and a racing
card, and tested his picks against those of an expert, finding little difference
in profit and loss accounts.
I
could be that chimpanzee.
I think they tried it with stock
market tips as well, with similar results, proving that deep down none of us
knows anything much about anything.
I know I don't.
Since my
recent brush with death, I find myself moving closer to the Monty Python view
that we are all just "spiralling coils of self-replicating DNA."
All right, I'm probably not the
perfect fit for Morning Line.
While
Clare Balding was being brought up with horses - possibly even BY horses - I
was brought up with a variety of unreliable motor vehicles starting with my dad's
second-hand Hillman Husky, which was in the repair shop so often it may have
done more miles vertically than horizontally.
In any case, the best I could do
last Saturday was a few bob each way on Renard in the Grimthorpe Chase, which
went some way towards financing my other useless picks.
In short, I seem in no immediate danger
of losing my amateur status, so it's probably just as well the 'phone never
rang.
Actually it did ring.
It was a young chap called James, a
producer at BBC WM radio in Birmingham, asking for my views on the possibility
of a televised debate between deputy PM Nick Clegg and UKIP leader Nigel Farage
ahead of the European elections.
I raised an eyebrow at this -
inasmuch as it's possible to do that over the 'phone - but, not wishing to be
rude, said I thought Clegg's invitation to Farage to face him on TV was either
a high-risk strategy by the Lib Dem leader or a last desperate throw of the
dice depending on how you look at it.
TV debates can influence elections, though, I added, citing
the famous 1960 Kennedy-Nixon meeting which as good as secured the Presidency
for the telegenic young Senator.
"Great," said James,
"Can you come on our breakfast show in the morning to talk about
it?"
"Well, OK," I
said, still with eyebrow raised.
I
knew there was no money in it, what with BBC local stations being strapped for
cash, but am always happy to share my views on subjects about which I know
nothing, as regular readers of this column will confirm, so agreed.
I assumed I had been chosen to
address the heartland of England as a famous watcher of telly rather than for
any political expertise.
"How should we describe
you?" asked James, "Journalist, legendary lover, and inventor of
cling film, will do," I replied, "No seriously, just 'journalist' is
fine."
"And of course,
you work in political polling," he said, which was when I twigged that he
had confused me with near-namesake Peter Kellner, proper political journalist
and president of YouGov.
"You mean you're not
him?" was the response, followed by the stunner, "Well, can you come
on anyway?"
So I did,
informing the West Midlands that as Clegg's last big triumph was in the TV
debate before the last election he was probably trying to recapture past
glories, "rather like Spandau Ballet going back out on tour," at
which point they cut - a little too rapidly, I felt - to the travel news.
This is not the first time this has
happened either.
A few years back
I took a call from TalkSport asking if I could come on and talk about "the
Portsmouth situation."
(It
was when Tony Adams was manager)
"Well I can," I said, "But I only know what I've read in
the newspapers."
"Well, there's a story in one
of the papers that he is going to bring you in as defensive coach," the
young chap replied.
I had to tell
him that despite some success in junior football and the odd showbiz Xl, such a
move was unlikely, concluding that his call owed more to my proximity to Martin
Keown in the TalkSport contacts book than my undoubted tactical acumen.
I was that close to going on,
though.
Meanwhile, I live in hope
that Morning Line may one day mistake me for someone who knows something about
horse racing.