Fact: the average Briton has in his or her cellar/loft/garage between four and twelve obsolete mobile phone chargers, a set-top box or two from now defunct TV services, and several yards of cable with mysterious attachments that look like they were last used when attached to the testicles of an Argentinian dissident at the height of the terror.   Not only that, but buried underneath all this redundant electronica is the de-icer that proved so elusive that winter's day when you were running late for work.

In view of this frightening technology mountain, I am often asked (I'm not, but indulge me) if any of it can be redeployed to catch some of the "free" action currently being trumpeted from the rooftops by BT Sport.   The answer is that it cannot.   Throw it away, and while you're at it, get rid of some of the other junk too.   You're never going to play that Krypton Factor board game again.

Several other questions about the new service arise however, so it's as well I am here to help.   Here, then, are the answers to your questions about BT Sport:

Is it free?    

Yes and no.   You know how you sometimes go into an upmarket restaurant advertising an "Early Bird" special of two courses for £14.95, and you order a starter of scallops only to be told it's "not part of the deal," and your choice is the soup or the pate, cheapskate.    Well most of the Premier League matches on BT Sport are more minestrone with a crusty roll than escalopes de foie gras.    Only 18 of their 38 games are "first picks," which means while there's plenty of Robin Van Persie and Gareth Bale on the posters, you'll see rather less of them on your telly.   If you want the other 116 fixtures you'll have to order Sky from the main menu.

But it's free, right?  

Well, you have to have BT Broadband to get it for nothing, which means you need to change your provider if you are not with BT. The snag with this is that it will involve telephone calls during which someone may ask you about the "configuration of your modem," conversations I approach with the joy of a visit to the dentist.   I never change any of my providers of anything for this reason.  

It means I have stuck with BT for all my telecommunication needs, so I at least am tooled up for the revolution.   As luck would have it my latest quarterly bill arrived yesterday, so I can give you an idea of costs.   The bill was for £133.83, which seems an excessive 'phone bill for someone who probably last used the home 'phone to dial Whitehall 1212, but it includes something called 'Unlimited Weekend Plan' and 'Friends and Family Mobile,' bought from some BT snake-oil salesman years ago just to get him off the phone, and BT Total Broadband Option 3, which comes out at £68.25 for the quarter.  

So yes, it's free.

But is it reliable?

No complaints.   I've only ever had one serious breakdown, involving fraught and lengthy telephone calls to the sub-continent to a chap who insisted on suffixing his every utterance with "Mr Kelner." After half a day of "Mr Kelner" this and "Mr Kelner" that, and of switching equipment off and back on again, I hoist up the white flag, at which BT immediately sent a proper man round, and he sorted it.  

(I may have qualified for this special service after I let slip that I was a BBC broadcaster, and a columnist for a national newspaper.   So you might want to get yourself a newspaper column, or at the very least a regular show on one of the larger regional radio stations, before signing.)

BT say their broadcasts will be 'seriously entertaining.'   Does this mean anything?

No.   It's what we doctors call bollocks.   It may be a reference to plans to re-play and analyse moves from the match not on a screen, but on a half-size football pitch in the studio, provided pundit Owen Hargreaves stays fit long enough.  

I'm assuming it doesn't refer to main football presenter Jake Humphrey, because I'm not sure relaxed conviviality is his strong suit.   I know he earned a decent amount of respect from the cognoscenti when presenting Formula One, but to me he still looks like someone from children's TV who is doing it because he won a competition.

I had a look on the BT Sport website, Martin, and Clare Balding's all over it. Will she be working for them?

Sure.   In a dangerous and top-secret operation, the Queen of all Media has been successfully cloned, enabling her to fulfil her duties to Channel Four Racing, prime time BBC quiz formats, radio shows, chat show guest appearances, Sports Personality of the Year, and so on, while the other Clare simultaneously plays a full on-screen role with BT Sport.  

Either that, or - and this is me just riffing now - BT sent a Transit van full of money round to Clare's place so she would lend her support.

Given most pundits these days are ex-Liverpool, with Steve McManaman, Michael Owen, and David James now joining the roster, will BT Sport maybe recruit cheeky Scouse comic Jimmy Tarbuck, who used to entertain us on Cup Final day with his cheeky Scouseness and Liverpool scarf?

Oh, grow up.