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Bits and Pieces
What Britain will look like in 2012 - when we welcome the world to the Olympics
By Martin "My name's Ben Elton" Kelner
May 28, 2010 - 2:21:17 PM

A number of African nations are already considering their options after Prime Minister Boris Johnson's unguarded   off-the-cuff remarks about fuzzy wuzzies turned up on U-Tube.   His apology: "Cripes, sorry fellahs, this new internet thingy'll catch you every time.   But, I mean, crikey, lighten up chaps" is thought not to have gone far enough to satisfy critics…

New sports introduced for the 2012 games have also been criticized, with respected Olympians worldwide saying the Olympic programme has been expanded purely to give Britain a chance of a more impressive medal haul.  

Britain's newly appointed sports supremo, though, Russell Brand, says the new events - snooker, darts, knockout whist,  and happy slapping - would stay, adding: "Forsooth, tis just for to bring a smile to the huddled masses, and make their winkies quiver with delight."

The former Eastern bloc countries, the United States, and pretty well every other competing country, meanwhile, say Britain's draconian drug testing procedure is a thinly veiled attack on their narcotics development programme, saying the host country has an unfair advantage, when the only permitted drug is lager.

Director Martin Scorsese, chosen to make the official film of the Games, has now withdrawn from the project as a protest against the London government's failure to act to alleviate poverty in areas of the Third World, such as Humberside and Wales, where vast numbers of people are said to be homeless and on the streets, either flooded out of their houses, or thrown out by unfeeling British banks.

Culture minister Sir Christopher Moyles said the film of the games would still go ahead, though, and in fact would benefit from having a British director with extensive experience of shooting in this country, gained on his last film, Sex Lives of the Potato Men.

Despite the problems, the People's Games, as the Government is calling them - or the Tesco-Orange-Eon-W H Smith Do-It-All People's Games, to give them their full title, are predicted to be one of the most successful Olympics of recent years, with thousands of people from all over the world making their way to East London, as soon as the tube strike is settled.

The Prime Minister urged the country to get behind the games, saying they showed Britain to be "a vibrant forward-looking nation with one of the fastest growing economies in the western world."   Britain's expected record medal haul would, he said, be a tribute to the hard work put in by health minister Dr Gillian McKeith behind the scenes - in the bathroom - which he hoped people would remember at election time.   Critics of the games, he added, should keep politics out of sport.