Martin Writes..
My swansong after 16 years writing for The Guardian
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "riding off into the sunset, no horse, just a sunset" Kelner on Jan 5, 2013 - 12:43:47 PM
This is the last piece I wrote for The Guardian, the famous "self-regarding arsehole" piece, wilfully misunderstood by self-regarding arsehole Alan Davies
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The Ultimate Reality Show
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Mr TV" Kelner on Dec 24, 2012 - 3:47:00 PM
We all know the feeling. You're desperately going through the TV schedules trying to find something without Miranda Hart in it, and then it hits you - the perfect programme for Christmas 2012 - why oh why didn't I think of it before?....
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Jimmy Savile - A Tribute
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Apocalypse Now Then Now Then" Kelner on Oct 10, 2012 - 3:44:56 PM
Wow, a hell of a journey: from Jimmy Savile, philanthropist, to Jimmy Savile, sex criminal, in less than a year.
TV's Mr Saturday Night, lovable, harmless eccentric Savile, Leeds through and through, turns out to have been a predatory sex offender, a paedophile, and in the cover up of his crimes, a wacky, zany, wisecracking psychopath...
Hmmm. Quite a journey too for broadcasters in Jimmy's home town. Now read on...
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Mrs Thatcher not dead shock
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke" Kelner on Aug 15, 2012 - 12:47:41 PM
A hoax sweeping round Twitter last night served as a reminder to me of how dangerous the social network site can be.
Now read on to discover the new responsible face of Martin Kelner.....
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Proof Positive that East Coast Just Doesn't Get It
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Oven Gloves" Kelner on Mar 26, 2011 - 5:35:48 PM
O.K., we have just about got used to the wacky fare structure on the East Coast main line, meaning the cost of a similar seat might vary from 30 quid to 140-odd depending on how far in advance you book your seat, the colour of your hair, your wheat tolerance and so on, but why is it necessary to have a two-tier system for the very simple concept of Weekend First?
For those of you unfamiliar with Weekend First, it enables those of us peasants unable to afford more than the paltry 88 or hundred-odd quid it costs to travel to London in what is laughingly called standard class to upgrade for a payment to the guard.
Thus - at the weekend only, of course - we can make our journey in a decent, comfortable seat with a nearly fully functioning toilet in easy reach; you know, the kind of things taken for granted on railways all over Europe, including Poland interestingly... a little treat for us, a chance to sample how the other half lives - for the weekend only...
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The Fifth Beatle....
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "toppermost of the poppermost" Kelner on Sep 20, 2010 - 3:57:16 PM
....is one of the enduring figures of popular mythology. Like the
second assassin, Mick Jagger's Mars Bar, and Jim Morrison's cock, the
Zelig-like figure bashing a tambourine, arranging a photo call, or
procuring a strumpet for Paul, is a figure without whom the landscape
of the Sixties would not be complete......
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COMEDY / Holiday on dry ice: Martin Kelner on Billy Connolly
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "The Big Yin" Kelner on Aug 25, 2009 - 8:44:05 PM
Here's a piece I wrote for The Independent more than fifteen years ago. Not sure whether Billy was still drinking then, but he was living in L.A. and came back here to do a bunch of Bobby Davro style venues, bizarrely unsuited to his style. Now read on..... more - >
The late great Humphrey Lyttleton
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Samantha is on my right hand" Kelner on Jun 6, 2009 - 11:55:36 PM
In our ongoing series of articles about dead people, this is a piece I wrote 15 years ago in the glory, glory days of The Independent about Humphrey Lyttleton.....
The secret of Humph: He's the 'comic hero' with the perfect sense of timing. He's the 'chairman's chairman'. He's the 'top trumpet man in Britain'. Martin Kelner on the busy life of Humphrey Lyttelton
Saturday, 21 May 1994..
Now read on....
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"Hell I know how. Question is, when?"
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "brothel creepers" Kelner on Apr 27, 2009 - 12:38:34 PM
LaVern Baker died in 1997, one of the uncrowned and often disregarded Queens of rock 'n' roll. I did one of the last interviews with her when she played Liverpool a few years before she died....She's probably best known for a brilliant Leiber and Stoller gospel spoof "Saved"....
Anyway, I've rescued the piece from the Independent archives and here it is..... more - >
Hey, Just a Doggone Minute...
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Deviation" Kelner on Apr 12, 2009 - 6:19:06 PM
This is a piece I wrote for The Independent 16 years ago about the radio show Just A Minute. The arts editor, Tom Sutcliffe, suggested I write the whole thing in the style of the programme, which I thought a pretty naff idea, but as usual he was right and I was wrong.
Anyway I found it purely by chance on the Independent site, and thought I would put it on here, if only to prove there was a time when I actually interviewed loads of people to do a piece, rather than just watching the telly and thinking of a couple of jokes, as in Screen Break.
Now read on... more - >
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