Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
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Bits and Pieces

They're hiring on Letterman
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin "is that a top ten list in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" Kelner on Oct 2, 2009 - 5:54:01 PM
Hey, media people. Fancy a job on the Letterman show?

You can get a post behind the scenes booking guests, and doing all the administrative work, and you don't even need any secretarial qualifications or computer skills or anything...

"And this happened to you, did it?"

"No. To my daughter."

Now read on.... more - >



An Audience With Mr Methane - The Hour Approaches!
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin "I thought you said it was odour-free" Kelner on Jul 30, 2008 - 6:34:34 PM
I have reached that point before a party, where you start panicking, wondering whether anybody will turn up, not helped by the fact that I have just read through what I laughingly call a script, and confirmed that what we have is basically a one-joke show.

Still, Two Pints Of Lager was basically a one-joke series, and that's still going after what seems like a lifetime.

What I am saying, I suppose, is for god's sake, come and see us, please! The Standing Order, George Street, Edinburgh, August 9th to 23rd, 7.45pm each night. It's FREE! Yes, FREE! A recession-buster if ever there was one.

Preview, 9pm, Original Oak, Headingley, Thursday July 31st.

Be there!! Somewhere. more - >



Culture lovers awake! An Audience With Mr Methane heralds the return of highbrow entertainment to the Edinburgh Festival.
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin "Buttock Bassoon" Kelner on Jul 30, 2008 - 11:46:35 AM
Standing Order expected to be as full as a fat bird’s shoe, says licensee Mr J.D.Weatherspoon…

Yes, Britain’s leading purveyor of the economically priced all-day breakfast and perfectly triangular fish fillets prepares to welcome the world’s only full-time professional performing flatulist in an Audience With Mr Methane from August 9th to 23rd at the Standing Order, George Street, Edinburgh.

Mr Methane and Martin Kelner.


“Interest in the show has been unprecedented,” says a made-up quote from Mr J.D.Weatherspoon himself, “What could be more agreeable than to sit down with a bottle of faux German beer and enjoy Strauss’s beautiful Blue Danube waltz, augmented by Macclesfield’s leading virtuoso on the botty bugle.”
more - >



Piss Poor Podcast soars into the Top Five!
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin "Hoddle, Waddle, and Poddle" Kelner on Mar 24, 2008 - 11:06:22 PM
From nowhere Martin and Edouard's Piss Poor Podcast has shot into the top five podcasts in the country...

For more on this amazing triumph, read on..... more - >



Why I can't stand Frasier!
Bits and Pieces
Posted by on Mar 14, 2007 - 10:49:51 PM
Here's a piece I wrote in 2001 for that fine newspaper, The Independent, about my indifference to the then comedy sensation Frasier. It's worth another run now, I think, as it is sort of prescient about the Starbucksisation of Britain.

Frasier - the lo-cal, decaff, substitute for comedy... more - >



Johnny Who?
Bits and Pieces
Posted by on Dec 7, 2006 - 11:38:27 PM
Here's an interesting one. It's the start of a book I was writing about radio, but never got round to finishing, because something else came up, or I got distracted by what I was looking at out of the window, or the 'phone rang, or I ran out of biscuits, or something.

Though it tails off into nothing, it suddenly seems relevant in the light of Alan Freeman's death, and I think will be of interest to radio anoraks, especially those of you who remember Fab 208...

more - >



Ah, yes, the John Peel I never knew.
Bits and Pieces
Posted by martin kelner on Nov 25, 2006 - 11:14:00 PM
This is an article written for the Independent On Sunday on the weekend after the sainted Peel's death. I was getting a little tired of all the rather self-serving tributes being paid to the great man on various TV and radio programmes by those who scarcely knew him, so decided to go one better and get a tribute from someone who never knew him at all, local radio d.j., since turned mini-cab driver Andy "Madman" West more - >



A horse is a horse, of course, of course
Bits and Pieces
Posted by on Nov 20, 2006 - 10:18:23 PM
A profile of former top racing trainer, Jenny Pitman, written for the Independent a few years back. She's mad as a mongoose, of course, but maybe with some of the insight that will help you to sort out the sick and the lame and rule them out of this year's Grand National... more - >



Martin can't get no satisfaction when he tries to explain to his kids what constitutes real r 'n' b...
Bits and Pieces
Posted by on Nov 2, 2006 - 10:46:21 PM
The teenage Kelners are seeing their dad less as godhead and more as dickhead... more - >



From Clitoral Hoods to Chung King Can Suck It - Wikipedia, My Favourite Waste of Time
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin Kelner on Oct 3, 2006 - 11:10:00 AM
Make a cup of coffee, stare out of the window, open a packet of digestives...there has to be a more rewarding way of wasting time when you are pretending to work. And there is...applause please for Wikipedia's random article.. more - >




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Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
 Fine dining for the last time on the PPP!
 Wossy ate my podcast - an explanation
 Screen Break
 The Bus Pass Bodybuilders & Motty's Giant Sentence
 Wordy Rappinghood
 Bits and Pieces
 Jeremy Corbyn's Desert Island Discs
 Just a bit of fun! No really, just a bit of fun!
 Martin Writes..
 A little bit about me & Kingswood, Bristol
 Managers - What Are They Like? Why Antonio Conte is not Ange Postecoglou
 Kelners Blog
 My Celebrity Death Match
 A message to Philip Balmforth
 Travel
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at Amazon.co.uk
 Accidental Heroes
 PG Wodehouse
 Bette Davis
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
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