Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
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Stalkers Guide

Keeping the meters wobbling......
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Dr Dinnertime" Kelner on Apr 22, 2013 - 7:19:21 PM
I do the lunchtime show on BBC Radio Leeds, quite handily when management are upstairs in the canteen eating their humus & bulgar wheat salads....
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Sweary Christmas to all our readers
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Arsecock" Kelner on Nov 10, 2010 - 4:52:56 PM
A date for everybody's f***ing diary....

Wednesday December 15th, 6.30pm at the British Library, St Pancras, there's a discussion on swearing, one of my favourite things (along with raindrops on roses and all that sh1t)

Participants include the Viz boys, compilers of the indispensable Profanisaurus, and Pete Silverton, author of the scholarly and hilarious book on the subject Filthy English..

I'm hosting the f***er.  It runs from 6.30 - 8pm, and is already selling well...so snap up your tickets p1ss quick...

Meanwhile, is it too early for a c***ing Christmas record?  Tough sh1t, here's Hadda Brooks 

Meanwhile, click through for the doyen of showbiz, Dora Dale.....
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"My swan was expressing pus..."
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "the swans have eaten the complimentary Hob Nobs" Kelner on Oct 29, 2010 - 11:17:01 AM
.....and that's what happens when you book your pet swan into a pet hotel - in Swanage, interestingly enough.  Feathers asunder, and really rather badly nibbled.

Here's the brilliant Robin Cooper, of Timewaster Letters fame (get on Amazon now, and buy the books), telephoning a schprauncy London hotel to book rooms for his pets....

That's part one.  Click through for part two...
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Important News for Stalkers
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Scarlet Pimpernel" Kelner on Oct 13, 2010 - 6:47:54 PM
Thursday October 14th will be my last breakfast show on BBC Leeds - no I've not been found out again - until Monday November 1st. 

I shall also not be doing the Guardian's Screen Break column again until Monday November 8th.  I am secreting myself in a secret hideaway for two weeks to try desperately to hit the deadline for a book I am writing
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How To Spot A Murderer
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "It was Colonel Mustard with a candlestick, if you know what I'm saying" Kelner on Oct 10, 2010 - 11:51:57 AM
Here's something we don't get the chance to do on the Breakfast Show.  Mrs Merton, played by the incomparable Caroline Aherne, used to answer listeners' problems on my late show.  Here she is responding to an entirely made up letter from Rita about jury service
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Henning Scores Again
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Mad as Hell and not going to take it" Kelner on Oct 7, 2010 - 12:23:48 PM
For those few of you not able to catch the entire three hours of Martin and Katherine's breakfast show on BBC Radio Leeds, click below for a couple of "highlights"....
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Dodgy accents live on
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "hard monkey" Kelner on Sep 28, 2010 - 2:14:14 PM
It is doubtful whether there is much of a living to be made as a Bob Crowe "soundalike," but nonetheless, here it is, that heady mix of Herb Alpert and dodgy accents on Katherine and Martin's breakfast show on BBC Leeds.

Continue for more "highlights" (yeah, right) from the BBC Radio Leeds breakfast show..
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Just in case you missed it...
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Der Schwankenstube" Kelner on Sep 23, 2010 - 2:51:52 PM

Here's a piece of not exactly award-winning radio - from the BBC Radio Leeds Breakfast Show, Thurs Sept 23, when we made the fatal mistake of getting a stand-up comedian out of bed first thing in the morning, in this case the great Henning Wehn, Germany's comedy ambassador....

So glad he brought to an eagerly waiting West Yorkshire audience the news that it was Hamburg who were beaten by Wolfsburg.  Worth the wait.


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Stalkers alert - Blind World Cup, and the genius of Spike Milligan..
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Make mine a mackerel" Kelner on Aug 17, 2010 - 4:42:08 PM
Hello stalkers - just a reminder, I am now your genial host of the breakfast show on BBC Radio Leeds, which begins each day at the ridiculously early hour of 6 am. 

It's not always very good, but we try to have a laugh.  I co-present the show with Katherine Hannah in that classic Sky News dual presenter format - you know, one with the experience, the gravitas and the journalistic credentials, the other there simply as eye candy. 

It's frankly a little humiliating being hired purely as eye candy, but Katherine's gravitas carries us through.  For the out-of-town/international fan base, it's available online here

Now read on for details of personal appearances, and very rare Spike Milligan...
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Can't sleep, Won't sleep
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "out and about" Kelner on Aug 3, 2010 - 4:07:10 PM
In deference to the many people who have been wondering why I keep getting up in the middle of the night - well, just my wife (whose name escapes me for the moment) actually - here's the evidence I'm not doing the early shift at the biscuit factory.  Again.

You can listen again here

For other stuff, read on...
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Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
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 The day we said to TV Personality and celebrity trougher Jay Rayner, "Whoah there Jay, get over yourself"
 Screen Break
 The rise and rise of football - the history of it.
 The Pitch-Side Pantomime
 Bits and Pieces
 Want To Be A Radio Star?
 Jeremy Corbyn's Desert Island Discs
 Martin Writes..
 The Story of the Piss Poor Podcast
 Hurrah, I'm an entrepreneur
 Kelners Blog
 My Sacking, and a Plausible Plan for BBC Local Radio
 My Celebrity Death Match
 Travel
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at Amazon.co.uk
 Accidental Heroes
 PG Wodehouse
 Bette Davis
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
 Martin Kelner's website links