Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
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P P Podcast

Election special! PPP 210 has the ideal election night snacks..
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "passage blocked" Kelner and Edouard "tossed off" LaPaglie on May 5, 2010 - 3:57:31 PM
....if you are partial to goat's anus sprinkled with oregano (I know I am, says Edouard Lapaglie)..

Plus, the PPP's favourite restaurant critic comes with a pocketful of pumpkins (yeah, yeah, we know, Edouard) drizzled with a slick of honey, as PPP 210 stocks up on tucker prior to the night of destiny...

So, knives and forks and ballot papers at the ready, PP Punters, as we prepare to choose the man who is going to make the cuts the IMF tells him to.  Oy gewalt - whatever that means.

Now read on....
more - >



PPP 209 - Makes a Major Contribution to Road Safety
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "Have you got pigs' trotters?" Kelner and Edouard "No, it's just these shoes, they're a little tight" LaPaglie on Apr 27, 2010 - 4:55:42 PM
Once more, with the safety of the public in mind, the PPP cements its reputation for responsible podcasting with warnings of traffic hazards and other dangers, as follows:

*When tootling down the Autostrada or Autobahn for the family hol, watch out for Spanish lorry drivers knocking one out, while eating a Yorkie bar (El Yorkie, as it is known over there) while overtaking...

*In France, watch out for Muslim lady drivers, negotiating l'autoroute while in the fast lane, wearing the niqab, or full veil. Edouard was particularly outspoken on the issue of veiled Muslim drivers (That's Edouard La Paglie, of 37 Edith Crescent, Leeds LS15 4PG - if out, leave fatwas in the shed round the back)

For more safety hints, read on.... more - >



It's the great 208 - the PPP pays tribute to medium wave night-time radio with levels all over the place and the impossibility of making out what's going on
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "Parade of the Pops" Kelner and Edouard "Infra Draws" LaPaglie on Apr 20, 2010 - 4:54:27 PM
....and this differs from the normal PPP how?

Plus the PPP once more is a beacon carrier for acronyms...

.....Not only have the initials PPP been sequestered by the Pakistan People's Party (I know I have), now they are being used for the unfortunate condition known as pearly penile papules (Cockneys are particularly afflicted).



Stand by for legal action, as the PPP takes the pearly penis people to court - in a strictly World Wildlife Fund stylee.. more - >



PPP 207 burnt all over Southern states of USA - after Kelner's "Bigger than Jesus" claim
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "genuflect" Kelner and Edouard "Get down and stay down" LaPaglie on Apr 14, 2010 - 1:11:21 AM
Yes, put that altar boy down, Catholics everywhere, and arise against the errand boys of Satan, Martin Kelner and Edouard LaPaglie, as they claim their piss poor podcast is bigger than Jesus.


Despite Kelner's claim that he had only said the podcast was "bigger than cheeses" in protest against a 15 per cent reduction in the dimensions of Dairylea triangles. This, argued Kelner - or Beelzebub, as he shall henceforth be known - has led to calcium deficiency in junior school children who rely on lunch box comestibles, given that in many cases the only nutriments available in the home are vodka and Bird's Eye chicksticks.

Not that Jesus is all that either, said Kelner... more - >



Magic Jew - Oy gewalt! PPP 206 goes all biblical on yo ass
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "Vote for me and I'll set you free" Kelner and Edouard "hung parliament" LaPaglie on Apr 7, 2010 - 3:38:51 PM
God bless you, punters. Noted theologians Martin and Edouard dissect an interesting argument between an Australian sceptic and a school chaplain over the meaning of Easter...

We also tuck into a bag of chips from Lourdes with the face of the Virgin Mary on every one. Some good news for the Catholics in these difficult times - if you know what I'm saying Herr Ratzinger.


And while in Australia, we bring you up to date with the very latest wombat news, never losing sight of the famous Aussie saying, "Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong, Now he's got his own reality TV show on BBC1 on a Saturday evening.....

more - >



Sensational Panda Sex on PPP 205 - It's all here in black and white
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "Eats shoots and leaves" Kelner and Edouard "Tastes like peppermint" LaPaglie on Mar 30, 2010 - 7:25:35 PM
What Edward Heath (Seventies Prime Minister, kiddies) could not do, we do in spades on PPP 205, as we put two of China's most endangered in a Faraday cage, and wait for the sparks to fly...

Also, in a local derby stylee, we journey to Japan for the annual festival of the todgers, as Shinto shrines open up the bullet train station (famous Japanese euphemism) to accomodate the hundreds of visitors who gather each night for the March of the Stiffies - v much after the fashion of Disney World....



Now read on.... more - >



From a small fishing village near Aberdeen, PPP 204 brings you a nice piece of haddock. Finnan?
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "poached egg on top" Kelner and Edouard "un peu de vinaigre"LaPaglie on Mar 24, 2010 - 7:03:42 PM
No fick 'un!

"They're laughing like billy-o upalong the Cairngorms," writes the PPP's Edouard LaPaglie..

And while in Aberdeen, we call in on the procurator fiscal to hear of a novel use of the truncheon in the case of the state versus Varinauskus.

Plus pigeons in Glasgow, as we remain lodged north of the border. Och Aye, it's all meat, a real treat...

Now read on... more - >



It's PPP 203 - Gussied Up For The Middle Classes!
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "pickled red cabbage" Kelner and Edouard "fancy liquor" LaPaglie on Mar 16, 2010 - 6:26:41 PM
The PPP reaches out to the nouveaux riches (Hey Edouard, what's the French for nouveaux riches?) with the latest hard-hitting satire from Oxford University, richly reminiscent of Kelner's days at Oxford (on the Oxford Mail, but let that pass), and some posh nosh as a slow roasted blackface mutton sallies forth with the songs of Al Jolson...

Quick, you don't want to get an ugly one...

Look out - Jay's about...
more - >



We love to go a wandering - Lederhosen on for PPP 202!
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "The Happy Wanderer" Kelner and Edouard "Underneath The Lamplight" LaPaglie on Mar 10, 2010 - 8:01:49 PM
I've got mine on - up hill and down dale in the vicinity of Spalding.

Where we pose the vital question, "Do you like Spalding?" and get the inevitable answer, "I don't know, I've never spalled."

Jawohl, tomorrow belongs to us!

Also, a home fit for murderers - in the merrie city of Wakefield, Yorks.

Subscribe now for the funniest thing to come out of North Leeds, since Jimmy Savile's shell suit bottoms... more - >



Norfolk and Good - Ho ho ho, prepare for side-splitting comedy action as PPP 201 polishes all the old chestnuts
P P Podcast
Posted by Martin "Don't diss Diss" Kelner and Edouard "Gimme Dat Ding" LaPaglie on Mar 2, 2010 - 7:16:54 PM
Comedy fans, wait no longer! Cream your jeans right now, because high quality, cutting edge, bitingly satirical, politically relevant humour is ready for you....

....on a number of podcasts by comedians familiar to you from TV panel games and theatre tours.

Martin Kelner and Edouard LaPaglie, meanwhile, come with a guarantee (I know I do) that you're never more than a minute away from a joke rejected by Tommy Trinder for being not quite up-to-date enough.

Answer to last week's quiz: Arthur Askey tap dancing. more - >




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Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
 Fine dining for the last time on the PPP!
 Wossy ate my podcast - an explanation
 Screen Break
 The Bus Pass Bodybuilders & Motty's Giant Sentence
 Wordy Rappinghood
 Bits and Pieces
 Jeremy Corbyn's Desert Island Discs
 Just a bit of fun! No really, just a bit of fun!
 Martin Writes..
 A little bit about me & Kingswood, Bristol
 Managers - What Are They Like? Why Antonio Conte is not Ange Postecoglou
 Kelners Blog
 My Celebrity Death Match
 A message to Philip Balmforth
 Travel
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at Amazon.co.uk
 Accidental Heroes
 PG Wodehouse
 Bette Davis
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
 Martin Kelner's website links