Kelners Blog
We love you, The Sun, the voice of Britain
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "still more or less unblemished" Kelner on Aug 24, 2012 - 7:52:32 AM
At last, those of us too lazy to click on links on the Internet, see the amazing Prince Harry pictures...
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The Voice of the People - Richard Bacon's Chart The Week
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "Classic Same Day Booking" Kelner on Dec 31, 2011 - 5:36:43 PM
Chart The Week is a regular Thursday feature on Richard Bacon's award-winning afternoon show on BBC Radio Five Live (actually I'm not sure it has won an award, but if not, it can surely only be a matter of time. And anyway, what about those barely edible "award-winning" Cornish pasties you get at mainline railway stations? Anybody seen any of their so-called awards?) Award winning it is, then. Mazeltov Richard. Now read on....
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Parky got off lightly
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "I'll have a P please Bob" Kelner on Aug 7, 2011 - 5:22:50 PM
On BBC Five Live's Fighting Talk on Saturday Aug 6th, I launched into a coruscating attack on revered chat show host Michael Parkinson, but because of time issues, to the disappointment of the nation I was cut short. In response to more than no tweets asking for the completion of the Any Other Business rant, here it is......
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Mike Parry - Gone But Never Forgotten
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "They're not all locked up, you know" Kelner on Feb 8, 2011 - 8:15:02 PM
So farewell then, Mike Parry, who leaves the truck drivers, kitchen fitters, and cab drivers of Britain bereft as he leaves Talksport's morning show to make way for Sky refugees Richard Keys and Andy Gray.
Here, courtesy of the Digital Spy radio forum, are some examples of the wit and wisdom the nation will miss.
Here are some of Mike's ideas over the years....
Have a National Guard made up of farmers armed with shotguns who could hunt down anyone who goes on a rampage with firearms.
Fit wing mirrors on racehorses to prevent collisions during a race.
Put ejector seats in Formula One cars.
Someone one day will complete the 100 metres track race in one second.
Professional golf tournaments should have transparent bullet proof protected walkways to prevent a golfer from being shot dead.
There should be shops that sell individual shoes for people with only one leg as it was unfair on them having to buy a pair.
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But wait, there's more, starting with a personal favourite; how to bring the crowds back to pigeon racing, as heard on the Piss Poor Podcast...
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How Long Before Michael McIntyre is Prime Minister?
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "Can I be your press secretary?" Kelner on Feb 2, 2011 - 1:30:08 PM
Number Ten may be the last bastion left to fall, given the ubiquity of stand-up comedians in the media today. It may be impossible to produce any TV programme involving discussion/chat these days without the presence of a stand-up.
This thought occurred the other morning watching a book programme on Channel 4 (presented by Ade Edmonson and Jo Brand) doing a feature on Truman Capote's Breakfast At Tiffany's. Who better to enlighten us on this novella than Lucy Porter and Ronnie Ancona? Both fine stand-up/comedy performers, but does a brace of comedians booked to discuss Capote indicate clever booking or lazy booking?
The question struck me as particularly pertinent, having just come from a radio studio where The Wright Stuff had been playing mutely in the background, and I recognised the face of Zoe Lyons, discussing the issues of the day, presumably because Sarah Millican was already booked to discuss the issues of the day on Loose Women.
Please do not misinterpret this. Some of my best friends are stand-ups. In fact, a lot of my best friends are stand-ups, and I absolutely appreciate the hard yards they put in writing their stuff - the endless agonising about whether the word 'haddock,' say, is funnier than 'mackerel' - and then performing it up and down the country, occasionally to unreceptive/blind drunk audiences. The best ones add to the gaiety of nations.
But, consider this. If you wanted to produce a documentary about the Middle East, do you think you would have more chance getting it commissioned, fronted by Robert Fisk or Shappi Khorsandi?
And then there is advertising.....
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Dundee, prepare to greet a beacon of democracy!
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "the Robespierre de nos jours" Kelner on Sep 1, 2009 - 10:51:46 PM
Kelner and LaPaglie's semi-humorous podcast is now into its fourth free and unfettered year, as Britain's veteran podcasters resist all offers to sell out to major media organisations. Or would, if we ever got any.
But frankly we never thought of the PPP as a standard-bearer for free speech and political awareness.
Until I received the following unexpected request from the fine University of Dundee.... more - >
Just one letter from being famous
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "Nick Jagger" Kelner on Aug 25, 2009 - 8:25:03 AM
My friend Simon Jose has a bizarre form of word blindness. He gets one letter wrong in virtually every famous person's name...
Last week he said to me he'd just seen a film starring Will Farrell. He then went on to say he enjoyed the old British comedies with Alex Guinness (No Simon, Alex Feguson, ALEC Guinness), and went on to his coup de grace: "I love that Welsh comedian...Rob whatsisname..." "Rob Brydon," I said..."No, not him," said an irritated Simon. "That his name," I said, "Rob Brydon." "No," said Simon, "The other guy, Rob Gilbert."
It's a game the whole family can play....
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How Manchester United can maximise their income
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "Holding it in" Kelner on Aug 19, 2009 - 10:49:51 PM
I have just travelled back from Edinburgh to Wakefield on the Arriva Cross Country train from Edinburgh Waverley to Bristol Temple Meads, and it occurred to me that if United were to adopt the Arriva Cross Country business model, they could make much more money. Like this.... more - >
Lighten The F**k Up - in defence of Family Guy
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "Giggety giggety" Kelner on Aug 4, 2009 - 11:15:39 PM
Family Guy was described by Sarah Hughes in The Guardian yesterday as "a show that regularly substitutes misogyny for humour when dealing with the character of Meg."
First, I am not aware that Family Guy "deals" with anything. If you want programmes that "deal" with issues, characters, and so on, there are any number you can watch. The OC, Gilmore Girls, Desperate Housewives, the list is endless, constantly "dealing" with stuff.
My advice Sarah, is that if you want relationships "dealt" with, don't watch cartoons. You will find they have a long history of failing to deal with important issues like major head injuries, and theft of picnic baskets from national parks by wild bears and their small bear sidekicks.
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Oh joy! Kelner fails to get job!
Kelners Blog
Posted by Martin "I'm not an expert, honest" Kelner on Jul 31, 2009 - 11:38:42 PM
A little while ago I got a call from a nice lady at BBC television asking if I was interested in appearing on a programme called Knowitalls.
I explained to her that I was not too keen. There were two powerful reasons for my reluctance; (i) I always look like a mong on TV, and (ii) they were looking for an expert on sport, which I most certainly am not. Now read on... more - >
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