Martin Kelner Martin KELNER.com
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author and Radio Presenter.
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Stalkers Guide

Keeping the meters wobbling......
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Dr Dinnertime" Kelner on Apr 22, 2013 - 7:19:21 PM
I do the lunchtime show on BBC Radio Leeds, quite handily when management are upstairs in the canteen eating their humus & bulgar wheat salads....
more - >



Sweary Christmas to all our readers
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Arsecock" Kelner on Nov 10, 2010 - 4:52:56 PM
A date for everybody's f***ing diary....

Wednesday December 15th, 6.30pm at the British Library, St Pancras, there's a discussion on swearing, one of my favourite things (along with raindrops on roses and all that sh1t)

Participants include the Viz boys, compilers of the indispensable Profanisaurus, and Pete Silverton, author of the scholarly and hilarious book on the subject Filthy English..

I'm hosting the f***er.  It runs from 6.30 - 8pm, and is already selling well...so snap up your tickets p1ss quick...

Meanwhile, is it too early for a c***ing Christmas record?  Tough sh1t, here's Hadda Brooks 

Meanwhile, click through for the doyen of showbiz, Dora Dale.....
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"My swan was expressing pus..."
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "the swans have eaten the complimentary Hob Nobs" Kelner on Oct 29, 2010 - 11:17:01 AM
.....and that's what happens when you book your pet swan into a pet hotel - in Swanage, interestingly enough.  Feathers asunder, and really rather badly nibbled.

Here's the brilliant Robin Cooper, of Timewaster Letters fame (get on Amazon now, and buy the books), telephoning a schprauncy London hotel to book rooms for his pets....

That's part one.  Click through for part two...
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Important News for Stalkers
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "Scarlet Pimpernel" Kelner on Oct 13, 2010 - 6:47:54 PM
Thursday October 14th will be my last breakfast show on BBC Leeds - no I've not been found out again - until Monday November 1st. 

I shall also not be doing the Guardian's Screen Break column again until Monday November 8th.  I am secreting myself in a secret hideaway for two weeks to try desperately to hit the deadline for a book I am writing
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How To Spot A Murderer
Stalkers Guide
Posted by Martin "It was Colonel Mustard with a candlestick, if you know what I'm saying" Kelner on Oct 10, 2010 - 11:51:57 AM
Here's something we don't get the chance to do on the Breakfast Show.  Mrs Merton, played by the incomparable Caroline Aherne, used to answer listeners' problems on my late show.  Here she is responding to an entirely made up letter from Rita about jury service
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Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
 Unplugged - a tasty morsel of free podcast!
 Are You Eligible For A Refund of PPI? If so, why not splash it out on PPP?
 Screen Break
 The Pitch-Side Pantomime
 What Are You Playing At Gary Neville?
 Bits and Pieces
 Want To Be A Radio Star?
 Jeremy Corbyn's Desert Island Discs
 Martin Writes..
 The Story of the Piss Poor Podcast
 Hurrah, I'm an entrepreneur
 Kelners Blog
 My Sacking, and a Plausible Plan for BBC Local Radio
 My Celebrity Death Match
 Travel
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at Amazon.co.uk
 Accidental Heroes
 PG Wodehouse
 Bette Davis
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
 Martin Kelner's website links