Martin Kelner Martin
Martin Kelner, Journalist, Author, Podcaster and Radio Presenter.
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God's Waiting Room
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "better now, thanks" Kelner on May 4, 2015 - 3:16:53 PM

I'm almost completely recovered now after surgery to remove what we doctors call 'a big fuck-off abdominal sarcoma,' thanks to the skill of the consultants, and the brilliant care of the NHS, for which I shall forever be grateful...

However, in the early days of this shit storm, as the sarcoma grew, & following a pretty gloomy prognosis, misfortune piled upon misfortune.  First my car was stolen, then a pen burst in my pocket. 

That might seem trivial, but it convinced me that some higher power - which I don't believe in anyway - was fucking with my head. 

I wrote a few pieces charting progress while I was convalescing following what turned out to be successful surgery, which you can find on here somewhere, but  in the vain hope that anybody's the slightest bit interested, here are  a couple of bits I never published....

more - >

Saturday Night Frank
Screen Break
Posted by Martin "Super" Kelner on Apr 26, 2015 - 10:06:03 AM

It's just possible I may return to writing a regular column about sport on TV, on the lines of the one I used to write which was much loved by Guardian readers, and largely ignored by Racing Post readers.

Whether this becomes a regular thing depends on two key questions...

(a) if I can be arsed

(b) if I can find a way to monetize it

Meanwhile, have this one for free.  It's about ITV's new "super" Saturday...
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Screen Break extra - BBC v ITV on Sat April 18, 2015
Screen Break
Posted by Martin "channel flipper in hand" Kelner on Apr 20, 2015 - 5:18:17 PM

I don't often get to write about sport on TV these days, but on Sat April 18, I got an email from the Mail On Sunday to ask if I would watch the two matches on TV that evening and write about the battle between the BBC, showing the FA Cup tie, and Sky, which had the Chelsea - Man U Premier League match.

Because of the very tight deadline, it was butchered somewhat to fit the space.  Entirely understandable, but the result was that the one decent joke in the piece got lost.  See if you can spot it....
more - >

Just a bit of fun! No really, just a bit of fun!
Bits and Pieces
Posted by Martin "there goes the MBE" Kelner on Jan 19, 2015 - 8:27:00 PM

It's the game the whole family can play. 

The following statements are indefensible.  Why not give yourself 20 seconds at home and see if you can defend them.

(oh, by the way, it's just a bit of fun) 
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End of a (mini) Era
Screen Break
Posted by Martin "Can you help, I'm just 60p short of my train fare home" Kelner on Jan 3, 2015 - 7:10:30 PM

The last Screen Break column I did for The Guardian was at the end of 2012.  Almost immediately I got a call from Bruce Millington, the editor of the Racing Post, who asked me if I'd like to write for them....

Not being inundated with offers at the time, I was happy to accept the gig, which I did for exactly two years. 

Now read on.....
more - >

The better's dilemma
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Inveterate loser" Kelner on Dec 20, 2014 - 10:43:39 AM

Here's a column for the Racing Post, where I pondered how one should react when a horse falls in a race in which you have a financial interest, & shared a variety of losing bets with the readers....
more - >

Little Things That You Do
Screen Break
Posted by Martin "I know all there is to know" Kelner on Nov 21, 2014 - 7:05:09 PM

Do you ever lie awake at night wondering whatever happened to '60s pop star Dave Berry?  No, me neither.  But here's the latest on him anyway, from my Saturday column in the Racing Post...
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Liverpool - the glory, glory days
Martin Writes..
Posted by Martin "Calm down" Kelner on Nov 13, 2014 - 6:29:07 PM

My sport-on-TV column appears in the Racing Post every Saturday.  Here's a recent one - about Liverpool in happier times...
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Latest Additions..

 P P Podcast
 Edouard prend ses vacances
 The Triumphant Return of the Piss Poor Podcast
 Screen Break
 Saturday Night Frank
 Screen Break extra - BBC v ITV on Sat April 18, 2015
 Bits and Pieces
 Just a bit of fun! No really, just a bit of fun!
 Your Chance To Be On The Radio
 Martin Writes..
 God's Waiting Room
 The better's dilemma
 Kelners Blog
 A message to Philip Balmforth
 Being Mistaken for one of the more famous Kel(l)ners
 Kelner learns how to be funny on stand-up comedy course!
 Martin in Minnesota - in the footsteps of Bob Dylan
 Martin Kelner - The Man
 The Verve - arentcha sick to death of it?
 Martin Kelner - One Man and His Trousers
 NEW - The Kelner Mart
 Martins Money Saving Offers at the Kelner Mart...
 Stalkers Guide
 Keeping the meters wobbling......
 Sweary Christmas to all our readers
 Martins Money Saving Tips
 Why not save a massive 50-bob on Leeds's big value comedy-style night downstairs at the Verve wine bar, Merrion Street, Leeds, next to Mojo??
 Martins Money Saving Offers - deals at
 Accidental Heroes
 Martin visits the jewel of the Essex coast, Frinton - and finds Freddie "Mr Parrot Face" Davies
 PG Wodehouse
 All our Yesterdays
 The Enduring Delight of the Radio Show That Keeps On Giving
 My half-arsed attempt at in-play betting
 When Will I Be Famous?
 Something about Leicester that failed to make the finished book
 When Will I Be Famous - Order Now!!
 Martin's Photo Album
 Fed up with stained wash basins? The solution.
 Something for the weekend
 Martin's Links
 Smashing time
 Martin Kelner's website links